I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
