I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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