Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
