So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
