i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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