i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
