i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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