my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
