Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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