They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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