he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
