his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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