This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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