apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
