I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
