Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
