You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
