I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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