i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
