my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
