nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
