OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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