It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
