I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
