I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
