More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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