I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
