My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
