Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
