Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
