can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
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He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
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Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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