My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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