I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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