if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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