Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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