Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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