he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
