Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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