He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i think i have herpe
just one?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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