How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
