Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
