awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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