I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
