Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
The Olympian is in my bed
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
