I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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