Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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