just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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