So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
