you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
