WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
