I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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