I showed him my bush... on skype.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
