Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
